User blog:Jerzas/feelings
I've been reading this manga and it's basically forced me to look back on my life a bit and I just need to write it all down. //There's triggers in this// I uh, I haven't been truly happy in a long time. I can't remember the last time I felt free from stuff. I like coming on here because I consider you guys my friends, close friends and I want to laugh with you guys and enjoy myself and it gets to the point where I sort of stop talking about my pain bc I enjoy the time I spend with you all, I don't want to spread my sadness. It's not that I don't think I can talk to you all, it's a case of wanting the time I spend with you guys to be happy, bc this is the one place I can come to and actually feel more like myself, where I can laugh. It doesn't remove the pain, it's still there but it helps, being on here and enjoying myself makes everything slightly easier to deal with. I pushed people away in high school, they were still my friends but I kept them at a distance, I put on a smile everyday and laughed but none of it was real. It hurts that at times no one really noticed it, some days I wanted someone to just come up to me and ask if I was ok and not let me leave until I was honest about how I felt. No one did though, everything just carried on as normal as I got worse. I dropped out of school in my senior year, I still left with qualifications but I didn't walk away with my last years exams. I dropped out because I couldn't do it anymore and to this day it remains my biggest regret in life, I wish I had tried harder, but at the same time I wonder how much longer I would've lasted at school. I was at a breaking point, if I had stayed at school, I think I wouldn't be here typing this message. Being surrounded by people that couldn't see my pain hurt more than a lot of other things. I think at times that when I had the choice to stay or leave school, either option was a bad choice, I hate that I dropped out, I feel like a failure but I wonder if I should've stayed. When I think that staying might've lead to suicide, I smile bc I think that would've been the best option. Earlier this year, I came close to suicide, I sat on my bed with a box of tablets in front of me, I was ready, but I read online that what I was taking wouldn't kill me straight away and at the time I just wanted to die, I didn't want to hurt anymore so after a long time, I decided not to do it. I think about it everyday, I do still think about suicide, it crosses my mind all the time, this last week, it's been more prominent even to the extent of reasearching stronger tablets that would kill me quicker. I'm happy on here and I love that I have you all as my close friends, I love that you all look out for me and care for me bc it makes me feel stronger, but at the end of the day, I'm still weak, you guys help but it doesn't take away the pain, the sadness. The worst thing is, I continue to make things worse for myself. The girl I like, I hurt her, I didn't mean to. She panicked over something and as a result, I shut down and I haven't spoken to her since, I miss her but I know that I've hurt her by reacting how I did, but I don't know how to talk to her again, I don't know what to do next. I just screw everything up and it's days like today that I think I'd be better off out of everyone's life. I don't even think about the future anymore bc I don't see myself in it. I'm sorry for dumping this all on you, I'm writing it down mainly bc I can't think straight and trying to think about it hurts so I'm writing this to try and work it out. There are days when I think I can handle everything but most days I don't know how to go forward, or that I want to go forward. Category:Blog posts